The worst thing that has ever happened to me has become the thing that I am most grateful for.
I recently heard someone say this during an interview and haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. It is a hard thing to put on paper or say out loud. When I thought about it I realized the one thing I desperately wish had never happened has given me the most valuable gifts I have ever known. Of course, I still wish it hadn’t happened, but I am grateful for the person I have become and the life I have created from the tragedies I have lived through.
The losses we endure over our lifetime change and shape us. The loss of my husband left me broken, devastated, and unstable. The loss of my parents left me feeling alone and isolated, and the loss of one of our beloved dogs left me profoundly sad. I often feel somewhat numb to other people’s losses now, understanding their pain yet unable to feel the sadness. Perhaps that is a trauma response trying to protect me from reliving my grief and pain. The pain of loss is profound, and that pain will force change upon you, like it or not.
My emotions run deeper now, my capacity to love has grown larger, and my ability to forgive and let go has been magnified. My daily willingness for gratitude has carried me through some of my darkest days. I have a better understanding and knowledge of the human spirit and trauma. I do not live in the past, but I do feel the presence of my husband walking beside me in this lifetime. He may physically not be here, but I know I am not alone. His memory will not die as long as the people he loved and loved him say his name. These things I have learned.
As the four of us begin the journey of moving from the only home they remember, the home where we, as a family of five, laughed, played, cried, stumbled, grieved, and regained our footing, I can’t help but look back at who I was 7 years ago and who I am now. Some parts of me I miss, and others I am happy to leave behind. The one thing I do unequivocally know is that the saddest day of my life has taught me so many beautiful lessons. I will carry these lessons with me no matter where we go. I would change it all if I could, but I have learned that I must accept the things I cannot change.
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