10/18/18
I have a birthday approaching, my third birthday. The third one as a widow; I will be 49 this year. I still tend to separate things at times pre/post widowhood. I was a widow at 46 with 3 children.
As a widow, anyone will tell you birthdays are complicated, whether yours, your late spouse's, or your children’s. Widow was a word that, at 46, was very hard for me to say, fathom or even tolerate for a long time. It was a scarlet letter of sorts, and although I am not proud or happy about being a widow, I feel I am in an extraordinary club and should be proud of how far we have come. I am among those who have survived and am beginning to move forward after the most unimaginable pain. It is like the “2 steps forward, one step back” phrase. I can go weeks of feeling great and happy, and then boom, one of those so-called “Triggers” comes and bites me in the ass, knocks the wind right out of you, and takes me down fast.
There is no “Moving on” from widowhood, as to me, moving on signifies getting past it. It is now part of me forever. Moving forward means you are taking steps forward, all while still acknowledging the situation. Not a day nor an hour goes by when I don’t think of my husband. He is everywhere and all around me, and I take comfort in that. I genuinely feel I am doing well partly because of him and the love I feel surrounding myself and my children. He gives me that gift every day.
Some people can begin moving forward within weeks and months, and some, like me, took a couple of years, but if I have learned anything from this tragedy, I have learned never to judge someone else’s pain. There is no clock or rule book to widowhood; it is a process and an individual one. It feels hopeless in those first days, weeks, and months, and moving forward is not even a concept one can imagine. I was that person. I still feel shocked, and it still feels surreal at times.
I, and the women and men who have survived and grown from the pain of grief, will tell you it is possible, and not only is it possible, it is probable that you will move forward one day too. “One day at a time” was and still sometimes is (on those knock the wind out of me days) the saying I lived by, and it is a good one filled with hope and promise, hidden behind the words of moving forward.
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