High Anxiety… I never saw the movie, but I can certainly relate to the title. These past seven years, I have found many helpful ways to navigate the anxiety that comes along with widowhood and solo parenting. I don’t feel anxious very often anymore, and most of my decision-making comes fairly easily now, and if I am struggling, I have people that are my go-to for help and guidance. This week, however, has been particularly hard.
For most of the summer, I’ve had kids around and have really enjoyed it. I was back in the place I felt like I belonged, cooking and caring for them as I have all of these years. Now that time is ending once again. Last year when I moved my youngest into college, I definitely had anxiety about becoming an empty nester alone, and that was for sure a hard time for me, but I worked through it and really began to enjoy my alone time. Now, however, I know what to expect, and there is a different level of anxiety surrounding that. All coupled with the realization that it is time to sell my house as my new home will be ready soon.
I know it is an exciting time for our family, but I can't help but feel melancholy about leaving here. I know I am not leaving my husband behind, as he will always be with me, but for sure, I will be leaving a part of our life together behind. That undoubtedly is something I am struggling with. These past few days and weeks, I have been cleaning and purging and walking down memory lane, finding things from years past that hold memories of our life together in this house. I found the big box of cards people sent me after he passed. I sat on the floor for 2 hours reading every single card; I don’t think I ever read them after his passing.
I am trying to put all the different things I have going on in their own separate boxes on a shelf like my girlfriend told me and only take down the box which is necessary for that day or that hour, or even that moment. It's very much how I lived my life after my husband passed. Even now, during stressful times, some days, it's one day at a time, and sometimes it's one hour at a time. I am happy, my kids are happy, and we had a great week being together. As they get older, these times become fewer and farther between, so I will cherish the short stints of a full house when I can.
In the weeks to come, I hope whoever finds their way to our home fills it with love, laughter, and even recovery and healing, as we all have all of these years. I hope laughter echoes in the hallways and children play and swim in the yard. More than anything, I hope that our new house becomes a home and brings us as much joy as this one has. And until then, I will plant myself down to watch the comedy that is High Anxiety, as I can certainly use a little comic relief right about now.
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