5/5/2020
To my beautiful children,
Although today is not Daddy’s actual Yahrzeit, I often feel, to some extent, it is. Four years ago today, I was terrified as I waited with an immense amount of anxiety to gather you together and tell you of your father’s diagnosis. I was ridden with thoughts of a life without my husband and you without your father. It all plays out in my head like a movie, bringing you together on the sofa to tell you all while an ambulance picks up Daddy from the University of Miami hospital and drives him to hospice; those moments are forever engraved in my head and my heart. Those 3 weeks in hospice we spent together as a family were horrible, but there were so many beautiful moments as well. Bad times do often bring out the best in people. Here, I got to say many things to Daddy that perhaps my ego had kept me from saying at certain times. It was here that a new bond formed between your aunts and uncles and myself. It was here that friends came from near and far and carried us through these ever-so-trying times, and it was here that I saw the strength and love of a bond between a father and son. I always knew it existed, but what I witnessed in your ever-so-clear and meticulous daily care for your dad was beyond what I had known or ever even imagined. When you weren’t physically caring for him, you sat in a chair by his side. What a gift you were to him in those days and all the days of his life.
There were many days I openly wept in front of you, but there were countless more that I took refuge on my closet floor and cried. Cried for what would never be. Cried for the 3 of you. I knew my own strength, but I did not yet know yours. Would you be able not just to survive, but would you once again be able to thrive after such a tragic loss? We have had many challenges these past four years, and there are still moments of great sadness; birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and milestones. However, I have now seen your strength, and I am so very proud of that strength. I am proud to watch my beautiful girls together as sisters, closer than ever. I am proud to see my son thriving in college and moving into adulthood, and pursuing life with a passion. I am so very proud of the three of you, each with your own strength and unique gifts, and I know beyond all things that your daddy is also so very proud and watching you all with that ever-so-perfect smile on his face.
Love you more,
Mom
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